This is not supposed to happen

Two days ago a 4 month old baby died in our ER. Apparantly the child was in daycare, put down for a nap. The caretaker checked on the child later and found him blue and unresponsive. I was not involved in the care of the child but stepped into the room several times to offer any help to my partners who were running the code.

It was not a new thing for me really. But, I haven't had to deal with a dying child like this since Saachi was born.

The baby's mother came in later. She looked quite brave as she walked into the room but when she came out, she was wailing and sobbing deeply. A family member was holding her up. That kind of crying is seldom heard in the ER. I could feel it in my chest. Every sob went through me like a knife. It physically hurt my chest. I tried not to look at her but some strange part of me made me look. Here is the strange part. I cant remember her face at all. When I think of this event I just draw a blank when it comes to what the mother looked like.

I am not really sure why I am even writing about this. I dont know that it makes me feel any better. But I have had this urge to get it off my chest-so I did.