How we grieve
Pediatric code five minutes out!!!, "its a drowning" said the burly and efficient nurse that I have known for some years now. That got my heart pounding rightaway. During this time i was trying to have a very technical conversation with another doctor over the phone about a patient with a blood clot in the leg that was apparantly not improving and what to do about it, so I had to let it go.
Pediatric codes and crash deliveries are about the only two things that get my adrenaline up any more
This was a drowning though, a difficult subject for me since my own near brush with it,
My hands went a little cold and tingly and this tightness settled in my chest as well as a cold icy feeling. Everyone put on their stone face, turned off their inner mother/father/sister and got ready with equipment, meds, oxygen, suction. I quickly assigned everyone their roles, and then we waited the longest four minutes ever, for the ambulance to arrive.
The code went as i expected-it was too late. the baby had been down too long.
I brought mom to the room to hold the baby's hand and told her when I stopped the code and pronounced her.
Then came the wail, that awful deep soulful moan of a mother who has lost a piece of herself that will never be replaced,
I cannot ever describe it, just that every one of those rare moments is forever in my memory in all the years of being an ER doctor
It sears itself into your being.
The tears came to my eyes, I did not suppress them, I simply grieved for the mom the baby and for the family that was going to deal with this.
I walked out of the ER to call my soul mate my best friend my wife. I wanted to break down and sob but I cant, I am the team leader,
My wife's voice on the phone is a constant, it centers me, it pulls me back to my safe place, my home my kids, but
I couldnt reach her. I stood outside the ambulance bay just breathing.
I choked back expressing my grief right there. walked back to the ER into the cloud of death I had just walked out of.
Then i was off to talk to the dad who had no idea why the childs mom had called him to the ER. I broke the news, he cried, sobbed, deeply, passionately with raw emotion that seared me and let his emotions spill out like his lifes blood. He settled, we took him back to see the baby and I did not go back into the room.
I waited to hear from my wife, now i was busy again with more critical patients, so I couldn't talk to her. So we did the next best thing,
Yup. Text.
Thank you text, grieving is so much easier now,
The rest of the shift-a blur.
RIP baby.
Pediatric codes and crash deliveries are about the only two things that get my adrenaline up any more
This was a drowning though, a difficult subject for me since my own near brush with it,
My hands went a little cold and tingly and this tightness settled in my chest as well as a cold icy feeling. Everyone put on their stone face, turned off their inner mother/father/sister and got ready with equipment, meds, oxygen, suction. I quickly assigned everyone their roles, and then we waited the longest four minutes ever, for the ambulance to arrive.
The code went as i expected-it was too late. the baby had been down too long.
I brought mom to the room to hold the baby's hand and told her when I stopped the code and pronounced her.
Then came the wail, that awful deep soulful moan of a mother who has lost a piece of herself that will never be replaced,
I cannot ever describe it, just that every one of those rare moments is forever in my memory in all the years of being an ER doctor
It sears itself into your being.
The tears came to my eyes, I did not suppress them, I simply grieved for the mom the baby and for the family that was going to deal with this.
I walked out of the ER to call my soul mate my best friend my wife. I wanted to break down and sob but I cant, I am the team leader,
My wife's voice on the phone is a constant, it centers me, it pulls me back to my safe place, my home my kids, but
I couldnt reach her. I stood outside the ambulance bay just breathing.
I choked back expressing my grief right there. walked back to the ER into the cloud of death I had just walked out of.
Then i was off to talk to the dad who had no idea why the childs mom had called him to the ER. I broke the news, he cried, sobbed, deeply, passionately with raw emotion that seared me and let his emotions spill out like his lifes blood. He settled, we took him back to see the baby and I did not go back into the room.
I waited to hear from my wife, now i was busy again with more critical patients, so I couldn't talk to her. So we did the next best thing,
Yup. Text.
Thank you text, grieving is so much easier now,
The rest of the shift-a blur.
RIP baby.
posted by PaoBhangra at 1:00 AM
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